You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
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