dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i will never coherently bang her
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
