i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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