How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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