On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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