I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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