Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
