I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
