I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
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