Joe is yelling at the trees again.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
