god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
