I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
