Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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