Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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