his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
