cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
