I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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