Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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