My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
