I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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