Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
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I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
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Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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