its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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