he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
