im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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