did you get engaged???
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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