i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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