Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
