he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
