I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
