Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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