The maid of honor just puked.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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