Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
