I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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