i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
