I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize