My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
