At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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