My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
