The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Two words: blizzard sex
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
