my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
