I need help removing her.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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