Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
