Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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