he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
