i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
