I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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