She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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