if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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