and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
