I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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