Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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