Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
