shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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