I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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