Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
