Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
