You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
