She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
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