is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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